Blackpool is in a very strange place!

My appointment for the colposcopy arrived about 2 weeks after my evil letter. For those who don't know a colposcopy is where they use a binocular type thing to have a look at your cervix.

My mum came with me to the appointment, proving the old adage that you always need your mum! We were delayed by an hour and the fear was gripping me deeper and deeper. In my head I was counting down the minutes to being told I had cancer. The only light relief was my mum nipping off to the ladies and coming back saying "I know equality is important, but putting urinals in the ladies toilets is going a bit far!". I need to point out that I had been to the ladies already and knew there were no urinals in there...my mum had just been to the Mens!

I got called in to see the consultant and sat in yet another waiting room, this one surrounded by posters about cancer - as if I needed reminding! When I eventually went in to see the consultant he explained they would have a good look and might even try to remove the nasty cells whilst I was there.

Going into the examination room I was met by two rather cheerful nurses who told me to "pop off" my pants, get in the stirrups, and await the Doctors arrival. Unfortunately they did not warn me that the colposcopy camera was already on and I turned and was greeted with a 20inch view of my vagina. Trust me when I say this - no one needs to see that!

When the consultant arrives he faffed around for a while and squirted some solution on my Cervix. When i glanced at the screen the whole thing was lit-up like Blackpool! I took that as a bad sign, made even worse by the Doctor rushing off to get the Consultant and proceeding to whisper, not very quietly, how I had "high-grade" changes that were "all over". Thanks for the compassion Mr Doctor Man! As if its not bad enough being laid legs-akimbo for everyone in a 10 mile radius to see on a big screen, you have to slip that little gem out.

Now, I think my reaction was most mature: I cried! I didn't only cry, but had a full on paddy fit, and when the Nurse told me to calm down and ask me about where I was going on holiday I politely reminded her that she was a Nurse, not a sodding hairdresser!!!!

When it was all over, and the tears mopped-up and me breathing normally, aided by singing the whole of "My Favourite Things" from the Sound of Music, I was ushered back into the Consultants Office. He informed me that a lot of my cervix was affected, but that the biopsies should hopefully confirm that it wasn't cancer, but not to worry as I could have my operation under general anaesthetic as the cells were high and awkward - well I have always been a very awkward person so I expected no less!

And so the blood began

Lets start at the rather bloody beginning.

For most of 2010 I propped up the Tampax shares. I know its gross, and some people may bring up their lunch now, but imagine how I felt. Barely a day went by without me bleeding. I had finished having the Depo injection in an attempt to get up the duff. It was a sensible decision that I easily bullied Him into. We both had good jobs, a mortgage together, a cat, and a healthy joint bank account.

By the August the Tsunami of blood arrived and I couldn't handle it anymore so I went to the Doctors where I have pretty much remained a permanent fixture since!

I had blood test, pelvic exams, swabs, took tablets, and things didn't improve. By December I was at my wits end and was hit by the most violent sickness bug known to man: The Winter Vomiting Virus!

After a few days being friends with the loo I returned to work, only to be returning home again after a few hours. That hour long journey was the worst of my life as I was crippled in absolute agony.

Back to the Doctors and they decided to do a smear test, and some other blood test, just to rule things out before referring me to the Fertility Clinic as we had been trying for a year - and that is very difficult when you are always bleeding!

Between Christmas and New Year I returned back to the Doctor for more painkillers and was happily told my test were clear so we would more the referral along in the New Year.

Then, one night on my first week back to work in January 2011 I returned home to a rather thick letter. "Ah", I thought, "My fertility referral paperwork". Unfortunately that was not to be my first wrong presumption in 2011, and started the year off on a definite depression: They had found abnormal cervical cells that may, or may not be, cancerous and I was to be referred for an urgent Colposcopy!

Any day now...

Well, here I am, hanging out the kitchen door having a "sneaky" cigarette in the rain whilst dear Him thinks I'm washing up. This is an especially bad excuse as I put the dishwasher on an hour ago, but luckily he fell for my deceit. Its quite clear that the water rumbling sound stemming from the kitchen is the washer, honestly...

Anyhoo, aside from my evil lies and bad habits, I am something else that aint pretty either - I am 29 and on the verge of the (hopefully) temporary menopause.

There is a long back-story to this (cervical cancer scare, PCOS, endometriosis, infertility) and I will cover it at some point but for now I will leave it short and not-so-sweet! Besides, other than the cathartic feeling I may get from writing it all down, I doubt anyone will read it and no-one will exactly be on the edge of their seats. Like most of the 99.9% stuff in cyberspace this blog will likely remain only ever read by its writer.